No abuse please

어떤 경우이든 학대는 없어져야 합니다.

캐나다에서는 자기 자식에게라도 함부로 매질을 하면 안 됩니다. 아이의 종아리나 엉덩이에 매 맞은 자국이 발견되면 학대를 가한 부모는 자녀로부터 격리처분을 받습니다. 육 개월 동안 자녀에게서 오백 미터 이내의 접근이 금지됩니다. 이웃집에서 저 집은 자녀를 학대하는 것 같다고 신고하게 되어도 조사가 나옵니다.

부부 싸움 끝에 아내나 남편에게 폭행을 가하였고 폭행당한 사람이 분을 못 이겨 신고를 하면 당장 경찰이 달려옵니다. 그래도 부부간인데 신고까지 할 게 있나 싶은 생각에 즉시 전화를 다시 걸어 별일 아니니 신경 쓰지 말라고 말했다 하더라도 이미 엎질러진 물입니다. 바로 조사에 들어가고 결과에 따라 격리 명령을 받거나 감옥에 가게 되지요. 함께 있지 못하도록 격리 명령을 내렸는데도 같이 있는 게 발견되면 더 큰 문제로 이어집니다. 부부 싸움은 칼로 물 베기라 하지만 폭력만은 결코 용납될 수 없습니다. 

부부나 이성 친구 간에 말다툼 끝에 화를 참지 못하고 '앞으로 그냥 안둘 거야'라든가 '죽여 버릴 거야'라고 말해도 심각한 문제가 됩니다. 별 의미도 없이 한 말인데 훗날 법정에서 결정적인 증거가 되어 범죄자가 되기도 하지요. 우리나라의 현실과는 거리가 있는 이야기지만 크던 작던 폭력을 행사하는 일만은 없어져야겠습니다.

미국 청소년들의 우상이자 롤 모델인 가수 제임스 브라운이 여자 친구 리아나에게 폭행을 가해 얼굴이 부은 사건이 발생하여 큰 이슈가 되고 있습니다. 이 사건을 계기로 이성친구간의 폭행문제가 사회적 관심거리로 떠오르고 있습니다.

10대 청소년 다섯 명 중 한명은 파트너로부터 성적 혹은 육체적으로 학대를 당하고 있다는 이야기는 충격적입니다. 학대 받은 본인이 이를 용납하고 관계를 계속할 경우 또 다른 학대가 일어나지 않는다는 보장이 없습니다. 비슷한 학대가 다시 일어날 경우 그냥 받아들일 가능성도 많지요. 한두 번 참고 넘어가면 습관적이 될 수도 있습니다.

이성 친구 간에 학대받는 일이 생기면 관계를 단절하든 신고를 하든 다시는 그런 일이 생기지 않도록 해야 합니다. 학대받는 아내, 학대받는 이성 친구, 학대받는 노인, 학대받는 어린이가 없었으면 좋겠습니다.    

<Out of tune>

Jaws dropped everywhere as news spread that pop princess, Rihanna, 21, reconciled with her equally famous boyfriend, Chris Brown, 19, even though he faces two felony charges for allegedly beating her and making serious threats again her life.

And while the horrific details of biting, punching and a chokehold, have been shocking to young fans, this incident has raised the opportunity for parents to talk to their kids about abusive relationships.

"This is a real situation," rapper and Rihanna mentor Jay-Z told People Magazine. "Just imagine it being your sister or mom and then think about how we should talk about that."

Maria Montanaro is a counsellor and has been talking with youth for over 10 years at the Kids Help Phone, a national service that provides anonymous and confidential advice across the country. She sees the influence of stars like Rihanna and Brown with many of her callers.

"Just because they have a lot of money and are on TV, doesn't give them the experience or life skills to be able to cope with everything that is thrown their way," she says. "They are as vulnerable as any of us are, but they are also role models."

Rihanna and Brown being young adults is not so surprising as far as domestic violence statistics and trends are concerned.

"This is the age where a trend starts and a woman can take this behavioural pattern into adulthood. It's got to start somewhere and often times it starts in a woman's teen years."

Young women between the ages of 16 and 24 are the most likely to be abused.

"If you are a young girl, you are constantly being bombarded with images of what is acceptable, what you should look like, who you should aspire to be. Often times, boys are looking at these same images. And a guy telling his girlfriend she's getting too fat, not wearing the right clothes or that he's going to dump her because she doesn't look like Angelina Jolie is quite common."

Experts say one in five teens reports being a victim of sexual or physical abuse by a partner, and Rihanna can be the gateway into what might be an awkward conversation.

Montanaro suggests that parents ask kids what it means for them to be in a relationship and ask what kind of relationship they are looking for.

That means parents should be encouraging and supportive in a way that is going to allow their kids to come up to them and tell them what's going on in their lives, and support whatever steps their kids take.

"People need to be ready on their own time to stand up for themselves. Getting support and encouragement in any action they are taking makes it that much easier. When people are told what to do, it instinctively puts them on the defense and they start justifying for the person that is hurting them.

"Encouragement, support and a constant reminder that your kids have people around that care about them and might be worried about some of the choices they are making may help to make the situation better."

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According the Department of Justice, many of the violent incidents that occur in a relationship go unreported

Here are just some of the reasons why:

* Not recognizing the abuse as abuse

* Embarrassment

* Shame

* Denial

* Fear of not being believed

* Fear of rejection by partners or peers

* Fear of retaliation or abandonment

* Belief that abuse is trivial and not worth reporting

* Intense social pressure for young women and men to have dating relationships. Given the social status associated with dating, and social pressure to be in a dating relationship (regardless of cost), young people may attempt to minimize or deny violence and abuse in their relationships

* Traditional sex role beliefs, which support inequality in relationships.

* The normalization of violence in society and in dating relationships.

* Belief that abuse is their fault

(source : SUNDAY SUN March 22, 2009, page 45 By MAIA FILAR)